Jungle Cruise |
If you are not from the Jungle Cruise please do not take any pictures, they are nailed to the wall for a reason
Ladies and gentlemen. May I have your attention please? Due to circumstances beyond our control ... the Jungle Cruise WILL be operating for the rest of the evening. ... Thank you.
May I have your attention please. Will the person that lost the 100 dollar bills wrapped with a red rubber band please step forward. We've found your rubber band.
Joke from female skipper: Hi my name's <Megan> and I'll be your strip... uh skipper tonight.
The skipper says, "is this anyone's first time on the Jungle Cruise?" a few small children raise their hands. the skipper says, "cool, mine too".
(boarding) Come on in, folks... Slide on down! That's right slide on down, because the more you slide now, the less I have to clean later.
In Walt Disney World near the departure area of the boats, and the driver of the boat said, Wave to the waiters. Wait they look too happy, they must not have been upstairs yet! [at this point there are some major groans from the people in the queue] (there is no UPSTAIRS at WDW, only Disneyland)
Everybody turn around and wave at the people on line... wave at them... because you're never going to see them again.
Over on the right you can see a branch with three toucans. And, of course, three toucans make a six-pack.
As you pass through the misters of the rain forest:
Do feel that wetness in the air around here? Well that's the only evidence we have that are still some monkeys in the trees of the Jungle Cruise.
Here in the rain forest it sometimes rains 365 days per year... some years it even rains every day.
"Here is the elephant bathing pool, where all the elephants come to bath. Don't worry, they've all got their trunks on. Kind of looks like a Republican convention, doesn't it?"
How many of you think that's water coming out of the Elephant's trunk? Well it's snot.
It was a rainy day, many were wearing poncho's. While going by the gorillas:
"Those of you dressed in yellow... Don't make any banana sounds."
After the gorillas:
Driver points to back of the boat and counts
"Hmm, lets see, 1-2-3-4. Yep, nobody missing."
"Watch out for that croc. Her name is Ginger... believe me.. .Ginger snaps."
The guide refers to the low man on the totem pole as Juan, and says the rhino is about to make a hole in Juan.
"All of the animals here on the Jungle Cruise are real; they're just bolted to the ground for your protection."
"There's some gazelles, some zebras, some Wildebeest, and some really tall leopards," pointing to the giraffes.
"Ah we got some lions , got some gazelles and those black ones with the horns ? I have no idea what they are ..they must be ....new (Gnu)....."
Aaaahhhhhh how cute. Those Lions are protecting that sleeping zebra.
There was the guide who, going by the African veldt scene, pointed his spot at a shiny metal protrusion and said, "And don't look at that light fixture, please, you're not supposed to see that."
and
"I know it's a gruesome scene folks, but it does illustrate the first law of
survival in the jungle... Don't be a zebra."
The guide says, Oh, that is so sweet. Look at those lions protecting that sleeping zebra. He looks *dead* tired to me.
Look! Rare, beautiful, majestic hippos! Endangered species, less than 300 left in the wild. I think I'll shoot me a couple. (bang, bang)
You know these hippos sank six boats just like this one, but don't worry, only five of them were mine.
We just took our hippos to see Dumbo, and if they weren't chained to the bottom of the river they'd all fly away. (think about the wiggling ears on the hippos)
You've all probably heard that the hippos are only dangerous when wiggling their ears and blowing bubbles... but that's not what really makes them dangerous. See it's actually the ritual they have of placing their young in the trees to forge on leaves until the grow to 6,000 pounds, then they cannon ball toward the boats, sinking them all 2 and 1/2 feet down to the bottom of the jungle floor. Oh look there's one now (skipper shoots toward the trees)
On you left is an African bull elephant, Obviously as you can see that long
thing hanging between his legs, His trunk!
The bamboo over at the left can grow up to six stories tall. I've seen it grow to seven stories, but that's a whole 'nother story
A friend reported a similar instance where the guide stopped the boat and
asked for silence, to listen to the sounds of the jungle -- dripping water,
distant animal calls, and so forth... and asked, "Do you know where those sounds
come from?" *click* Spotlight shining up into the branches, "You see that
speaker....?"
Over there is Schweitzer Falls, named after the famous explorer, Dr. Falls.
Lean in the middle, lean in the middle, if you lean in the middle, we'll all sink evenly!
Look! The backside of water!
At night going behind the falls:
Ladies and gentlemen, Walt Disney proudly presents, Fantasmic! (The guide sings part of the song while shining his flashlight on the back of the water and at the ends says in a squeaky voice:) Some imagination, huh hehee!
"WHEEE! WHEEE! Sorry folks, whenever I get here I just have to go WHEEE!"
There's something you don't see every day. But I do... again... and again...
and again"
As you pass the village where the villagers are singing and dancing the guide says. Here, I know this language, let me translate. I'm a little... teapot... strong and... stout... here is... my handle... here is... my spout.
Driver says "Lets see, I've just completed my Doctorate at Hazard in native languages, I'll try to translate..."
You hear natives, and the driver starts to translate, slowly at first...
"You -- put -- your -- left -- foot -- in -- You -- put -- your -- left -- foot -- out --"
He then starts starts to talk faster, singing "You put your left foot in and you shake it all about"
Then at the native attack: The natives get up and start to attack, at this point the driver says:
"Everybody's a critic now days"
As you pass the village where the villagers are singing and dancing, the guide says:
"OK, I think I can translate what they're saying." And he hesitantly translates: "Y, Y-M, Y-M-C, YMCA (and then he sings 'YMCA') and then he laughs and says - "hey, it's the Village People!"
(Thanks for the wonderful joke, but the contributor prefers to remain anonymous)
On our right is a dead lion. How do I know he's dead? Well they don't stand like that when they're alive. (About the lion in the village hanging by its hands and feet.)
(after the natives stand up to attack the boat) I told you to jump out on the RIGHT side of the boat, not the LEFT side. Just hunch back down, and we'll try it again with the next boat. Of course, as he says to hunch back down. The natives are going into reset, and hunch back down.
Oh no! The natives are throwing spears! Women and children, stand up! Men, get on the bottom of the boat! Get down in the boat, get down in the boat, come on you're making me look stupid up here!
Everybody get down, get down! Don't worry about looking stupid, cause I am doing that one for you.
Look out! It's an am-bush... and other beautiful vegetation."
And up ahead, the most DANGEROUS plant in the jungle... the Ambush!
These rocks you see in the river are sandstone, but some people take it for granite.
At the headhunter:
Uh oh, we're now entering into headhunter territory. Not a good place to be headed.
Passing Trader Sam and approaching the return to civilization, the guide
suddenly swung his spotlight towards the dock, where we saw a CM frantically
zipping up and running hurriedly back to his post, as though he had been
relieving himself in the river... the guide himself lost it and could barely
finish his spiel.
Well, it's the end of the ride and now we return you to this magical, mystical place I like to call... in sick as much as possible.
There are two docks at the end of the ride. Don't get confused. It is a
paradox. (pair of docks)
And those two guys are a pair o dorks.
Ladies and gentleman, you were outstanding on the boat today, but now I need you out standing on the dock now.
As you leave the boat, ladies and gentlemen, keep in mind that if your shoes fill with water, you got out on the wrong side...
As you exit the boat, please watch your step and mind your head. If you miss your step and hit your head, watch your language, Disneyland is a family place.
Please make sure you have all your children with you. We take children left behind over to It's a Small World, nail their feet to the floor and force them to sing that song over and over and over and...
Folks, as we near the dock, all the people waiting to help you out give you an idea of how many people actually work at Disneyland.... about one out of three.
When the fireworks were about to start the skipper said: Be sure to watch two big burly guys throw Tinkerbell from the top of the Matterhorn
I used to work in an orange juice factory, but, I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. They really put the squeeze to me, too.
I used to work in a watch factory. I sat around making faces all day.
Now comes the most perilous part of the trip, our return to civilization and my attempt to ram the dock.
Its very important that you wait to get off the boat until one of our dock crew is there to assist you. Just yesterday we had a lady fall in and none of them were around to laugh at her.
Please leave the boat as you entered it... shoving and pushing.
I certainly enjoyed having you aboard the Jungle Cruise today, and I hope you all enjoyed being had.
I certainly enjoyed taking you aboard the Jungle Cruise today, and I hope you all enjoyed being taken.
If you had a good time on this ride, my name is Mike and this is the Jungle Cruise. If you didn't have a good time, my name is John and this is the Submarine Voyage.
If you had a good time on the Jungle Cruise, well then my name is Mike, If you didn't, then my name is John.
(cast member, John appears on the unload dock)
Oh hi John. How's it going?
The guide refers to the unloaders as "loading technicians" or "professionally trained elbow-grabbers."
(at the tiger) You know, a tiger can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that amazing!
(at the water buffalo) And you know, a water buffalo can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that amazing!
(at the zebras) Hey, guess what, did you know that a zebra can weigh over 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet? Isn't that amazing!!
(at the snake) And by the way, a snake can weigh up to 500 pounds and leap up to 20 feet! Isn't that AMAZING!!
(boat pulls up to the dock) Leonard's going to help you folks out of the boat, now. By the way, Leonard, I hear you have a new girlfriend, and she weighs over 500 pounds and can leap up to 20 feet! ISN'T THAT AMAZING!!!
Leonard: "Yeah. So?"
Leaving the dock...
I'm your Jungle Cruise skipper today. You know the difference between a Captain and a Skipper, don't you? The Captain goes down with the ship........
Wave at all the people on the dock.... 'cause you may never see 'em again. Of course, you've never seen 'em before, so you aren't gonna miss anything.
We're in the Amazon in South America, where things grow larger than life, such as the butterflies on our left and on our right. Their wingspans grow from 12 inches to a whopping 1 foot! Pretty big now, isn't it!
I'd like to point out some the exotic plants here. <pointing> There's one.... and there's one.... there's another one......
Coming up to deserted pygmy village....
Up ahead we're supposed to have a pygmy welcome party here to greet us. If you've never been to a pygmy welcome party, well let me tell you, it's one of the most absolutely...... deadest parties you'll ever go to. (passing the canoes) I don't know... I can't see 'em... canoe?
Gee, something must've scared 'em off. Wonder what it could've been... (seeing the python) OH! Goodness snakes alive! (nervously) Oh, oh... that's a python. Must be 24 ft. long and can eat up to 2 small children whole!! (looking at little kids) Yeah, they're friendly creatures out here.. because they can't get a crush on you.
Approaching trashed campsite....
Hey... wait a minute... that's my camp. I Congo home now! Kinda looks like gorilla warfare. And that's not funny... (pointing to jeep which is upside down) See my jeep? I had a little trouble getting it started this morning, but I don't know how they got it to turn over... oh well.
Hey, we're on the Nile and the Nile is over 4,000 miles. It goes for miles and miles and miles... and if you don't believe me... you're in de-nile!
Well we've got another law in the jungle called survival of the fastest. See the low man on that totem poll? I told him that even though a rhinoceros weighs 2.5 tons, he can't outrun 'em. Oh, but I guess he'll get that point in the end.
There's danger around every corner here in the jungle.... and when you've been in the jungle as long as I have, aahh you begin to smell.... danger... not me! Oh no... not me......
This is crocodile country. These are 2 of our oldest here in the river... Smiley & Ginger. Smiley... he's over a hundred years old. Just likes to lay around the beach and wait for a hand out. You've gotta be careful around Ginger.... she doesn't bite, but she does snap.
Approaching falls....
We have other dangers like monsoons, rapids.. WATERFALLS! Everybody on this side, ya wanna lean in! (looking at other side of boat) You guys... jump out. Lean in! Lean in! C'mon... please.... Dive, dive.....
Passing crashed plane....
Well, this is how I landed my job here. Kinda plane to see. I took the crash course. Oh, by the way, I do offer a crash course in flying, if any of you would like to sign up if...er, when we get back.
Passing thru hippo pool... looking at passenger in back....
Oh, I'm sorry. Didja get a little bit wet? I betcha thought it was water too... well it'snot.....
Approaching native village.....
Uh-oh... this is not a good sign. When we shot to scare off the hippos, it also alerted the natives. And when they dance around in circles like this, it can only mean one thing... this is a bad place to be headed!
For those of you in the back, if you get an arrow, take it out... otherwise you'll be stuck with it....
Secret bathing pool of the Indian elephants.....
It's ok to stare, by the way... they've got their trunks on...
Hey look everybody! It's Chief Nammie! He's your head salesman here in the jungle. As you can see, business has been shrinking a little lately. He's got a great deal goin' on....2 of his heads for one of yours. Any takers? Aw c'mon! No matter what the size, you come out ahead! You know the old saying... 2 heads are better than 1 !
At the safari in tree....
That guy on the bottom.... that's my friend Ohantas. If he doesn't watch out, that rhino will poke Ohantas!
Going into the temple....
This could lead us to more danger. This could lead to a dead end. On.... 2 might be like everything else, and lead us to another gift shop!